


Beyond Broken (There's No Saving Me Now)

by corruptedkid



Category: Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys (Album)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Love In The Middle Of A Firefight 'verse, M/M, This comes with all the umbrella warnings of the Killjoys 'verse, oops I just wrote fanfiction of a fanfiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-08
Updated: 2016-10-08
Packaged: 2018-08-20 04:06:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8235509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corruptedkid/pseuds/corruptedkid
Summary: What do you do when your world falls apart too many times to count?(Or: How Ghoul dealt with the girl's kidnapping and all that followed).





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [This Ain't Over (We Own The Night)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5376128) by [personalized_radio](https://archiveofourown.org/users/personalized_radio/pseuds/personalized_radio). 



> So uh. Here is a thing that I made, written in the universe of Love In The Middle Of A Firefight by personalized_radio, an INCREDIBLE series which I highly recommend to all fans of the killjoys. Seriously, as a whole it's one of my all-time favorite fanfictions. The plot is super intricate and well-done, the characters are awesome, and it's such an amazing and unique take on the killjoy universe that I've pretty much adopted it as my personal canon.
> 
> But fic recs aside! This is written in that AU so it won't make any sense if you read independently. Dear personalized_radio, if you ever end up reading this, I love your work so much!! I really hope you weren't planning to write about the events of the SING music video because that's what I just did ;w; I adore your take on Fun Ghoul and wanted to try my hand at writing this universe. I hope I did okay! It doesn't match up perfectly with the events of LITMOAFF, but it's pretty close. Thanks for being awesome <3

The first thing Ghoul sensed was a searing pain in his left shoulder. Everything around him was foggy-- he wasn’t sure how the pain had got there, but he did know that it was more than he’d like to deal with. If he just ignored it long enough, it would fade, and he could return to the sweet blackness he had been in only moments before. If he could just let go… 

_Get a grip on yourself,_ Fun Ghoul snarled. 

And with that, he was awake.

Ghoul barely had time to process what had happened before the memories were slamming back: a row of dracs with ray guns at the ready, Korse smiling, zaps firing until he was flat on his back, the Killjoys, the Girl. What had happened to them?

He wrenched himself out of the fog, ignoring the mutterings of Fun Ghoul and Frank. They could wait. He had to be the one to see. 

Ghoul opened his eyes, bringing himself back to complete consciousness, and immediately winced with pain. Whoever had shot him hadn’t done a bad job. It wouldn’t be enough to kill, but it would be a good idea to get medical attention sooner rather than later. His own injuries weren’t his first priority, though. 

He sat up, ignoring the sting, and looked to his side.

His heart instantly leapt to his throat.

Jet Star and Kobra lay side by side, unmoving. Scorch marks littered the ground beside their bodies. Ghoul took a deep breath. Maybe they were okay. He just had to see, he had to see--

 _This is what happens,_ Fun Ghoul hissed. _Let me do it. If you walk over there right now and check to see how stone fucking dead they are, you’ll end up just as bad as Frank._

_No. No, they’re okay, they have to be._

Ghoul’s breathing had long since turned to hyperventilation, but he couldn’t stop himself from turning his head to the other side, hoping against hope that his eyes would bring him good news. 

No such luck.

Poison’s mask had been ripped off. It sat on the ground beside him, exposing his face, his closed eyes, that face that made every part of Ghoul seize up because it _wasn’t moving._

Ghoul started his movement cautiously, but abandoned the pretense halfway through. He rolled onto his feet and stumbled over to Poison. His jacket was singed in a number of places, but none of them seemed fatal. No chest wounds. For a moment, hope flared in Ghoul’s mind.

 _Just leave, walk away while you still can!_ Fun Ghoul was screaming at him. _I swear to fuck, if you crack yourself any worse than you already have, there won’t be anything left of you! I’ll kill you myself, do you hear me?_

“Poison?” Ghoul mumbled. There was no feeling in his limbs as he fell to his knees beside Poison. “Gerard? You’re okay… You’ll be okay, right?” He brushed a strand of fiery red hair from Poison’s forehead. “Gee?”

 _You’re deluding yourself. When has that ever worked?_ Fun Ghoul snarled through the stitches that held his mouth half-shut. Ghoul’s headspace usually presented him as twisted, but he didn’t think he’d ever seen a darker version than the one that stood before him. Fun Ghoul’s useless eye was completely crossed out with a dark X, and the stitches binding his mouth were tighter than they’d ever been. He grabbed Ghoul by his hair and squeezed tight. _Let me take over before you break once and for all._

 _He’s dead. He’s dead. They’re all gone, oh God, not again, he can’t be dead, this can’t be happening, not_ again.

The panic was setting in deeper with every dull beat of his heart. He tapped a finger against Poison’s cheek, stroking it roughly, and prayed to the Sand, Sun, Smog, Deceit and Shadows and everything that had never saved him that--

Poison’s eyes fluttered open, and Ghoul barely had time to yank him upright and smash their lips together before the tears were coming, hot and wet and so fucking relieved.

“You’re alive,” he choked. Poison’s expression was dazed, but a smile came to his lips as Ghoul kissed them over and over. “Thank fucking hell, Gee, I thought you were dead, I thought I was alone again, you’re _alive._ ” He tangled his fingers in Gerard’s hair and pulled him closer, burying his face in the killjoy’s neck and taking comfort from the pulse he felt there. “You’re alive.”

“Frankie,” Poison murmured. He blinked a few times before seeming to wake up. Ghoul only realized he was shaking when Poison’s arms wrapped around him, holding him steady. “What happened?” He wiped the tears away from Ghoul’s eyes, but they just kept welling up. 

“You were just lying there,” Ghoul whispered. “You…” 

_Check on the others!_ Frank urged him. _If Gerard is okay, they probably are, too._

 _Shut up_ , Fun Ghoul snapped.

Ghoul tore his eyes away from Poison long enough to glance at Jet and Kobra. Neither had moved, but that didn’t matter. He could feel Frank struggling for control. Ghoul pressed another kiss to Gerard’s lips before half-walking, half-crawling to Kobra.

“Mikey,” he whispered. “Wake up.”

When that yielded no results, he slapped Mikey hard.

Kobra swore and sat bolt upright. “Wh-- Ghoul?” He took a moment to study Ghoul’s face. “Is that you? What happened?” He looked over Ghoul’s shoulder and noticed Poison, a wide grin breaking out on his face. “Thank God. What about Jet?” He looked around, and his grin vanished at the sight of Jet Star. “Shit.”

 _You still have a chance to accept my help,_ said Fun Ghoul.

 _Fuck off,_ said Ghoul. _I don’t need you._

Mikey scooted over to Jet, shaking his shoulder. “Ray. Ray, c’mon, man, wake up.”

Jet Star groaned, and Ghoul let go of the breath he had been holding, stopping only to bite his cheek against the pain in his shoulder he had almost forgotten.

“Frankie, you’re bleeding,” Gerard said, alarmed. Ghoul didn’t resist as he was turned around and examined. The pain hadn’t seemed so bad in comparison to the thought of losing his friends, but now that he thought of it, the red patch on his shirt had grown a little too much since he woke up. 

“You’re bleeding too,” Ghoul said, pointing out the line of blood seeping from Poison’s hairline and the smudges on his jacket. 

“Not like that,” Mikey said, worried. 

“Wha’s goin’ on?” Ray slurred. Ghoul looked him over. He didn’t appear to have been shot too badly, but had more likely knocked his head when he fell. “Where’s th’ Girl?”

They all froze. 

_You were saying?_ Fun Ghoul said sweetly.

Ghoul shot up and turned in a circle. “I don’t know. I looked for you guys first, I, fuck--”

“I know where she is,” Gerard said, going pale. “They took her. It’s coming back now, I… They took her just before I went out. Korse said…” He hesitated. “He said ‘keep running.’”

“It’s a trap,” Mikay said immediately. “They want us to come after her.”

 _You know you can’t save her, right?_ said Fun Ghoul. _It’d be a suicide mission._

Ghoul shook his head slowly. The Girl… He could barely stand to think of her in BL’s clutches. She’d be experimented on, or tortured. It would have been better for them to kill her. 

This wasn’t the same type of soul-shattering pain he had glimpsed in the form of Gerard’s seemingly lifeless body, but it was still like a knife wedged between his lungs.

 _This is why I fucking told you to stay away. But did you listen? No. Now another member of your little ‘family’ is dead or worse,_ Fun Ghoul fumed. _And now you’re going to cry about it because that’s all you can fucking do._

 _We have to help her,_ said Frank. His form was less distinct than usual. In his mind’s eye, Ghoul could see him, blurry at the edges and barely holding it together. He had already been unstable, but this had left him fragile, like a cloud of smoke fighting to keep its shape.

And Fun Ghoul…

Well, he was stronger than ever. 

_I’m done with this. You’re going to sit down, shut up, and let me get you out of this alive,_ Fun Ghoul said simply. _I’ve had it with your emotional bullshit. You aren’t equipped to handle this, and you know it._

Maybe he was right.

Ghoul could have done something to prevent this, couldn’t he? He should’ve been watching out for the Girl over anyone else. She was their charge, after all. But he had just let her slip away.

 _That’s it,_ Fun Ghoul coaxed. _Just give in._

 _No,_ Frank said, grabbing at Ghoul’s vest. His fingers grasped it for only a second before they slipped right through. _He won’t save her! He’ll just let her die, we have to do something!_

 _Any of us would let her die,_ said Fun Ghoul. _Because we can’t do anything else. The only difference between us is how much we care._

“Frankie?”

Though it took a massive effort, Ghoul prevailed, and opened his eyes to see Gerard worriedly staring back. “What are they saying?”

“Fun Ghoul says we can’t go after her,” Ghoul muttered. “But…”

“But Frank wants to?”

“Yeah,” Ghoul murmured. “But I, fuck, I don’t know what to do. They won’t stop arguing.”

“Don’t listen to them. This isn’t your fault, and it doesn’t even matter because we’re going to save her anyway.” Gerard kissed his forehead softly. “Right after we get you patched up.”

 _You’ll all be killed,_ Fun Ghoul said.

_If they die, I don’t care if I die, too._

Gerard led him over to the Trans Am to retrieve their medical kit. Ghoul had lost a lot of blood, and he was starting to feel woozy, but after chugging a bottle of water he began to feel better. Gerard carefully wrapped up his wound until the bleeding stopped while Mikey and Ray got right into the car to wait. Their injuries were minor enough that to treat them would be a waste of supplies.

Ghoul slipped into the back seat after he had been suitably treated. He and Ray shared a moment of uncomfortable eye contact. The empty foot of space between them where the Girl was meant to sit felt more like a mile, and they both stuck as close as they could to their respective sides. 

“Let’s go get our girl back,” Gerard said, quietly determined, before he slammed his foot on the gas and the Trans Am took off with a screech of tires.

***

The car ride passed in silence, aside from the quiet music playing from the radio. No one had the heart to turn on Dr. D’s station. They didn’t know if word had reached him yet, but if it had, it wouldn’t just be dracs they were running from. The Zones passed by in a blur, and before long, the white walls of Battery City were close ahead.

“Do we have a plan?” Mikey asked.

“We get her back,” Gerard said shortly. “That’s all that matters.”

 _You call that bravery?_ Fun Ghoul scoffed. _That’s outright stupidity. He’s leading you all to your deaths._

Ghoul gritted his teeth. _Shut up. I know what the odds are, okay? It doesn’t make a difference. I’m choosing to follow Gerard because I trust him._

Frank could barely make himself heard, but Ghoul could tell he felt the same way. He was glad that their opinions aligned for once. If they hadn’t been a united front, Fun Ghoul would have wrestled control from Ghoul long ago. He was trying hard enough as it was. Ghoul had to actually press his fingers to his temples to keep his concentration.

 _That’s the problem. You trust him. Are you just going to choose to kill yourself?_ Fun Ghoul hissed. _You are so fucking useless._

Gerard had noticed Ghoul’s internal dialogue, and was looking with concern from the mirror. Ghoul gave what he hoped passed for a smile, but it was a feeble attempt at best. There was no heart in it. 

“Gerard,” Mikey said, breaking the silence. “You’re heading for the tunnel.”

“Yeah.”

“That’s a direct entrance. It’s going to be crawling with scarecrows.”

“I know. But it’s the quickest way.”

 _Stupid, stupid, stupid,_ Fun Ghoul muttered. Ghoul’s hand clenched into a fist involuntarily. He stared at it for a moment. It had been a long time since he’d fought this hard to stay in control. It had been a long time since he’d wanted to. Usually, he would just give up and let Fun Ghoul take over, but if he did that now, the Girl might not receive the help she needed.

_Stop it._

He flexed his fingers, reaffirming his own autonomy. 

The sunlight of the desert was dimming, and by the time they entered the tunnel, it had all but disappeared below the horizon. Neither the Sand nor Sun could save them now. They were in the land of Shadows, and Ghoul hoped with all his might that they would protect him the way they had in his youth.

Driving into the tunnel, with its fluorescent lights and suddenly acrid air, brought back memories he didn’t want to think about. But the setting did seem to give Frank some strength. Enough for Ghoul to ready his gun and sit up, strong enough to face the oncoming battle without Fun Ghoul’s help.

Gerard turned up the radio and rolled down the windows. The sound echoed against the concrete walls, bouncing the music back in a way that was almost heartening. 

“Crows,” Ray said. “Two of them. What do we do?”

“We drive,” said Mikey. “And we shoot.” He leaned out the window and readied his zap. In one quick blast, a scarecrow went down. The other startled and returned fire, but the Trans Am was crashing through the gateway before any damage could be done. 

“Where are we going?” asked Ghoul.

Gerard was silent for a moment. “They would’ve taken her to headquarters. It’s the most obvious place, isn’t it?” In his silence was the truth that none of them wanted to speak aloud. There was a good chance they wouldn’t make it out of this fight alive. An extreme chance. They hadn’t ever gone on a mission this risky before.

“I’m going to tell Dr. D where we are,” said Mikey, pulling out his communicator. “He can be ready to pick her up if… if we can’t.” He began typing out a message, avoiding eye contact with the other Killjoys. Gerard reached out and squeezed his shoulder before returning his hand to the wheel.

BL headquarters was close to the city’s entrance, an easy commute for exterminators. It didn’t take long for the Trans Am to pull up directly at the entrance. The four piled out of the car, and Ghoul could feel the security cameras watching him before he located any of them. When he did, he stared directly into it for a moment before moving on.

Gerard led them down the path to the door. His pace was deceptively casual, but Ghoul could see his knuckles whiten around the handle of his gun. His own grip was similarly tight. It was odd, walking into certain death. It wasn’t as scary as some might have pictured it. Ghoul wasn’t calm, per se, but he had the feeling that as long as the Girl made it out safely, everything would be okay.

The scarecrows popped up when they were about halfway to the door. They aimed their complex BL guns and shot with intent to kill, but their training was no match for a killjoy’s experience. The four mowed them down without hesitation and pushed into the building. 

Most of the walls were of thick glass, blaster-proof but easy to see through. Mikey was the first to set eyes on the Girl. He pointed in her direction with a shout, and they made their way through the winding halls to meet the dracs and scarecrows pouring out. There were more BL operatives than Ghoul had ever seen in one place-- but that made sense. They weren’t on home turf anymore. 

Still, they held their own-- while Fun Ghoul was still decidedly against their course of action, he still guided Ghoul’s aim in ways that he couldn’t have achieved on his own. Dracs and scarecrows alike dropped to the ground until their path was clear. The sound of gunfire filled the air until it became background noise, and then they were crashing into the room where the Girl sat, and Gerard was on the floor too, hugging her as if he would never let go. 

Ghoul, Mikey and Ray stopped at the door. They would hold off anyone who tried to break in. There were moments for reunion, and there were moments for survival; this situation was the latter. But Gerard had always felt the strongest about the Girl. He had practically adopted her as his own; it was his right to reunite with her first. The others would protect them until they were all safe.

 _Or until you’re all dead,_ said Fun Ghoul.

After a long moment, Gerard broke away, and ushered the Girl over to where the others waited. Ghoul gave her a pat on the back, and Ray ruffled her hair, but they were off before any real words could be exchanged. Time was of the essence. They had the cargo, now they needed to get it the hell out. 

“We need to go this way,” the Girl said, pointing further into the building. Gerard followed her without question. As they walked, the walls changed from glass to hard plaster, but the color stayed the same. Tacked to them were posters of the Killjoys, each with a giant red X over the face. It was the first splash of color Ghoul had seen in the building. 

They kept running. Turn after turn, they followed the Girl, until they turned a corner into a head-on collision with a group of dracs. Korse was leading them. Ghoul saw Gerard freeze and turn in the other direction, only to stop.

They were surrounded.

 _You wanted to die with your friends,_ said Fun Ghoul. _Well, it looks like you’ll get your wish._

Korse opened fire, and they were plunged into another battle. This time, it was more chaotic. This time, Ghoul’s stomach twisted with every shot, because the dracs were dropping, but not fast enough. More kept flooding in to replace them. Ghoul glanced back and forth frantically, trying to keep track of everyone. He saw Mikey kicking a scarecrow to the ground, and Ray shooting a draculoid in the back of the head; nearby, the Girl had dropped to the ground and covered her ears, and there was Gerard, shooting straight into the fray. 

In a split second, they each turned, looked to the Girl, then to each other, and nodded. 

_There are too many,_ Frank said. 

_We have to protect her. She’s what we’re fighting for._

Gerard and Mikey met back-to-back and fired in opposite directions. Ray and Ghoul took two sides of the room, Ghoul ducking behind a half-wall then leaping back out with his gun at the ready. The Girl stood motionless. Scarecrows charged her relentlessly, but each one was shot down. Ghoul thought he heard Mikey scream, the vicious sound of vengeance. 

But no matter how quickly they retaliated, BL kept pushing back.

Each dead scarecrow was replaced with two more. Dracs came pouring in by the tens. They had meant to trap the Killjoys, and they had succeeded. This city no longer protected Ghoul. Nothing could. They fought and fought, but the battle would never end. It would die with them, and only with them.

 _It’s over,_ Fun Ghoul said. The noises of the firefight faded into the background. 

For once, Ghoul didn’t have the heart to argue. 

_You’re right,_ he admitted. _We shouldn’t have come here. You were right all along._

 _I’m always right,_ Fun Ghoul said, rolling his eyes. _You just don’t listen._

 _At least I’m going down fighting,_ Ghoul shrugged.

 _At least she has a chance,_ Frank whispered. _At least we won’t have to live without them._

Fun Ghoul sighed. A second cross was beginning to obscure his remaining eye. _Well, since you’ve completely fucked yourself over, you might as well die like a martyr instead of whatever it is you usually are. Just keep fighting. Don’t you dare drop that gun before you’ve got to._

_I won’t._

Ghoul snapped back to the fight and swung his ray gun in a circle, firing wildly at all who dared cross his path. No one would touch the Girl on his watch. No one would…

“Poison?” he whispered.

Gerard’s pace had faltered. He was still pulling the trigger, but the light behind his eyes had dulled. In one hand, he clutched a draculoid’s mask.

_An unmasked drac is much more dangerous than a masked one._

“Fuck. Fuck, _fuck!_ Poison!” Ghoul shouted. 

Gerard didn’t seem to hear him. He picked the mask back up and kept shooting, but he moved as if in a daze. Ghoul wasn’t the only one who had seen. Mikey was yelling his name, but nothing was reaching him. 

It only took a moment for Korse to pin him to the wall. 

_“Poison!”_ Mikey screamed. He shoved a drac out of his way,

Fun Ghoul and Frank were both shouting, shouting for Ghoul to _move,_

he found himself screaming too, 

he rushed forward, and

_flash._

Korse fired directly into Gerard’s neck, and he slid down the wall, limp as a rag doll.

 _Do you see now?_ Fun Ghoul raged. _Do you see what I was protecting you from?_

Ghoul couldn’t respond. He couldn’t think, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t accept what he had just seen as reality, but he knew it was. He knew it was, and it was diving a thousand stakes through the cracks in his fragile heart until he just fucking _shattered._

_There was Bob, his eyes wide as he shoved Frank through the gate. His eyes dull as he was beaten bloody and dragged away, beside Frank’s mother, ripped to pieces, her screams echoing for far too long. Dead. Dead. And there was Ten Rings, reaching for the door and flying back in the explosion Ghoul had rigged himself. Dead. Pencey was falling apart. Fun Ghoul was killing, shooting, slaughtering innocent zonerunners until he made himself a monster. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. So many dead. Greaser was beating him, with Hambone standing to the side and watching. It would’ve hurt so much less if he hadn’t cared. Ray and Mikey disappeared on a mission. Dead. Dead. They were all dead, everyone was gone, Frank-Ghoul-Fun-Ghoul were-was all alone and it was their-his fault._

_Frank was playing a guitar in the city. He thrashed his head up and down, giddy from the blood rush and the look of admiration on Greasy’s face. He was leading the rebellion to the hole, their only way out, and Greasy was smiling at him and it made his heart feel like it was going to burst. Then it was years later, and Greasy was Party Poison, and Ghoul just couldn’t resist leaning up and kissing him and oh God this was everything he’d ever wanted. It was everything and for once in his goddamn life it wasn’t falling apart. He was telling Poison about every abuse he’d suffered or afflicted and every person living inside his mind, and then Poison was holding him, and somehow everything was still okay. Party Poison was Gerard Way was kissing him and fuck, Ghoul had been in love with him from the moment they met._

_And then Gerard was falling to the ground, motionless, and this time Korse hadn’t given him a second chance._

_Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead._

The Girl was screaming, and it took every ounce of self-control Ghoul had not to join her. 

Mikey ran to Gerard and collided with a zap. _Dead._ Ghoul barely noticed. 

_Are you ready now?_ Fun Ghoul asked. His voice held no ounce of pity, but at least he had stopped yelling. Everything had stopped. Everything was _agonizing,_ and yet, nothing mattered anymore. 

Ghoul took one last look at Gerard and squeezed his eyes shut tight. 

_I didn’t get to tell him I loved him._

_It’s okay. You don’t have to think about it anymore,_ Fun Ghoul said, more gently than usual. _I’ll take it from here._

Frank was already gone. He had drifted off into the darkness the second Korse had fired. Ghoul didn’t know where he had disappeared to; he just knew that if he shut down now, he would follow, possibly to never return. 

And that was what he wanted. 

_Protect her,_ he said. 

This time, Fun Ghoul was the one to open his eyes. 

Ray was the first out the door. Fun Ghoul ran up with him, making sure the Girl followed safely. Ray glanced over his shoulder and lingered for a second. 

And while Ray couldn’t read Frank’s personalities as well as Gerard or Mikey, his eyes widened in fear as he realized the change in Fun Ghoul. His mouth opened, and he almost turned around, but Fun Ghoul shook his head firmly. 

Then he pulled the door shut and turned his back. 

He shot straight and true, each blast taking down a drac. It did nothing to fill the hole inside him, but he wouldn’t go down any other way. 

He fought until the very last moment. A zap caught him full in the face, and he was knocked down. 

_Thank you,_ part of him whispered. He didn’t know who it was. It didn’t matter, really. 

They were all dead now. 


End file.
